The lesser of two evils?

Yesterday I was in pain, now I can't feel anything, I'm like a zombie. No pain, no happiness, nothing. Yesterday I wanted to die, now I almost feel as if I have. I'm sorry if I'm sounding melodramatic, I don't intend to, but it's such a weird way to feel.

I feel like someone's ripped my insides out. So many bad memories. I can't tell you what they're about, I don't know who's reading this, but trust me, they're haunting me like malevolent spirits. I just hurt so much. I want to die.

Yet another drug

I'm back on chlorpromazine. It should treat the acute psychotic symptoms, but I don't like it, because it makes your mouth really dry, and you have to use really strong suncream. Ah well...I'll just have to live with it.

Still feeling crap

The new meds don't seem to be working. I'm still feeling just as bad as I did on Wednesday. God knows where we go from here.

Okay...

I went to see my psychiatrist today. I told him everything. He says I'm unstable, but not in danger of suicide or violence to to others, so I don't need to be in hospital yet, but if things deteriorate, I might have to go in.
He's increased my quetiapine to the maximum dose, 800 mg. He's also given me haloperidol PRN, which should help me get through the worst.
I'm so sick of being ill!

I'm scared...

Firstly, I'll correct a spelling mistake, it's not cutiapin, it's Quetiapine.

Secondly, I'm bloody terrified. I've been ill for about 2 weeks, but have been on diazepam in the day and temazepam at night, so I can ride out the hallucinations, and sleep more without the horrific nightmares. Well, the temazepamm has stopped working, so I'm hardly sleeping, and having these truly horrible nightmares that stay with me all day. And, now I've finished the diazepam, so I'll feel the full force of the hallucinations now. I feel like that I'm going to destabilize soon, and my social worker thinks I should be in hospital. If Dr Laki thinks so too, I'll do it, but I'm just SO scared. I don't like hospital, but I don't think I'm safe at home. I want to die, and I don't know if I can trust myself not to try something stupid. I've already scratched my arms to bits, and I don't know how much longer I can hold off more serious self-harm.