Things are starting to look up

I had a letter yesterday, telling me that an engineer would be coming to install my new equipment on Monday. This means I can finally read, and therefore write my assignments. I' hoping and praying that they won't change their minds. I've got so much to do, but I've made up my mind on which questions in 20th century literature I@m going to apply to which short story, and what sociohistorical topic I'm going to write baout, and link it with sonnets. It's good to feel a bit more settled, but no sign of making friends yet.

Finally...

Unless something fairly catastrophic happens, I'm getting my equipment for uni tomorroew, and , if I'm really lucky, they'll send an engineer the same day to set it all up. I stand by what I said in my last post, but am glad that things are moving on.

Had my bloods done at hometoday, as transport didn't turn up.

Almost had enough

I'm waiting for my uni equipment, as I've told you before. It was supposed to arrive last week, but now it's next week at the earliest. I don' like to name and shame, but Microlink PC, you're not being helpful.

Sorry its been so long

Well, things seem to be going well. The trazadone/citalopram combination works, although I think I'm going to ask for a slight increase in the citalopram. Its nice to just wake up in hte morning, and not feel totally destroyed. I@m not sayin gI@m better, that's be a stupid thing to say, but I'm fighting, and seem to be winning.

I'm getting really sick of this...

Why is it that, when you tell someone you' era schizophrenic, they run a mile? I've met people who seem totally reasonable, but the moment you tell them, they stop emialing/phoning/talking to you. I'm starting a cours on Thursday, and am dreading the "I should maybe etll you, I'm schizophrenic" moment, and they suddenly have something else to do.

I just wantto tell anyone who's reading this we're not freaks, or dangerous, we're just people with a horrible illness. Don't fear us, think about how bad it is for us. I may be a nutbag, as my brother jokingly callssne, but I'm not bad, or scary, just treat me with bit of care, and you'll see, I'm just ordinary.

A break...

My brother is going away for a few days this week. This gives me an opportunity to cook things I lieke, and to be a bi tmore adventurous in my cooking. Of course, I'll miss having him around, but I'll be glad of the break.

I went to the uni today, and everyone was very helpful. I've also got my letter saying what stuff I've got from the DSA people. Hopefullyb it's what I need.

I'm finally going to get some exercise tomorrow, going swimming and doing aqua. i've missed it, I always feel better for having done it.

Will things never go completely right?

I've just finished Moll Flanders, a book I wouldn't recommend, and was planning to start another book. U nfortunately, the only book I've been sent is Hamlet (all 18 volumes of it), and not ay of the other things I need to read. I've read and seen Hamlet recently, so it all seems a bit pointless.

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I apologise for my attempt at poetry. I try, and sometimes it works. As I've had no feedback, I've no idea if it was any good or not. Sorry agian ,, if it was bad, and , if it was good, please don't steal it an d call it you own.

I'm tired of being a "schizo",
Of being thought a freak.
I'm tired of feeling worthless
I'm tired of feeling weak.
I'm tired of fighting every day,
As is it were my last,
I'm tired of all the memories,
The pain that's from the past.

Fear?

I'm starting at university in a month, and I'm terrified about being alone. Will someone take it upon htemselves to take me for coffee? Will I be able to keep up with the reading? Will this horrible depression lift in time?

All I can do is hope and pray that it all goes well, and that my fears are unfounded.

Happy Christmas

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm getting to the point I do every day, when I'm sick of being up, and go to bed rediculously early. So, I'll wish anyone reading this as happier Christmas as they can have. Mine won't be easy, I'm severely depressed and anxious, but I'll try my best to enjoy it.

Take care of yourselves, I@ll do my best to do the same...

More new meds

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. He's changed my antidepressant from Clomipramine to citalopram and trazodone, which will help calme me down too. A swell as that, he's given me diazepam, to help when things are really bad.

I've ogt a month of this, to see how it goes. All I ccan do is hope and pray that they do.

New hope?

I've just got home from an appointment witbh my psychiatrist. He's changed my antidepressants. Instead of clomipramine, he' sput me on trazodone and citalopram. THese should also help with the feelings of anxiety I've been getting. He's also given me diazapem, to calm me down in then short term.

All I can do is hope and pray that these work, and do what the last umteen drugs haven't been able to do.

I hate snow!

I've been stuck indoors again, because of snow an dice. I know it's nobody's fault, and prefectly reasonable, but it doesn't help when you're feeling depressed, and all you can do is stay inside.

I'm sure snow's pretty, but, let's be honest, I'm blind, I don't care how it looks!

Out of luck it seems

I saw my CPN yesterday. She said I'd been through pretty much all available antidepressants, and she didn't know what to do now. She suggested CBT, which didn't work the last 4 times I've tried it.
I just want all of it to stop, and to feel well. I'm dreading a Christmas feeling like this.

Tired to my bones

I'm feeling so low at the moement, nothing can cheer me up for any length f of time. It's making me so tired, to use an old word, weary. I'm tired of everything, nothing shifts it. I hear something good, and I feel better for a few minutes,then sink back down again.

I'm waiting on an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist, but it doesn't look too likely I'll get one. All I can do is keep on walking through treacle and fog, hoping for some relief.

Fed up

I'm feeling really crap at the moment. I shouldn't be: I've got a place at uni doing a degree I'm interested in, an d a friend of mine recently had some good news, but I can't seem to pull myself out of hthis one. I need a change in medication, and need to see my psychiatrist. I've been waiting for an emergency appointment to be made, but nothing so far. Also, the voices are louder than I'd like.

All I can say is, please don't let em be on the ward at Christmas.

SOme good news

I'm starting university in January, doing a part-time English literature degree. I got my offer letter yesterday, and hav accepted it.