It crept up on everyone nut me

I was talking to a friend about his depressive breakdown. HE found that it seemed to creep up on him, that he wasn't expecting it when it came. I feel almost the total opposite. My illness was obvious to me from the start, but nobody else noticed it until I was a total wreck. Its' strange how things happen like that.

On a more practical note, I've asked for a new social worker. I haven't seen mine since February, before I went into hospital. I'm not asking for much, just a bit of reliable support and contact. Hopefully something will come of it, I'm sick of being messed about.

No meds (again)

I usually collect my meds on a Monday morning. Because of the bank holiday, this changed, and someone was supposed to bring them round for me. Well, I waited all day Monday, no meds. By the time I realised they weren't coming, it was too late to phone. So, I spent a horrible night in pain without the gabapentin, so I didn't sleep at all. By Tuesday, the lack of anti-psychotics was starting to make itself felt. I was beginning to hallucinate visually, and the voices were getting louder and louder. As well as this, I was physically sick with the pain in my eyes. My brother phoned the hospital on Tuesday morning, planning to complain. He was passed from pillar to post, and finally the drugs were found. But, none of the CPNs were prepared to deliver them, so my brother had to go and fetch them. This isn't a long journey, but he was extremely pissed off that he had to do it.

By the time I got home I was a wreck. I took my meds, and slept for a long time, helped out by a new thing I've found to help me sleep. It's Dutch (unfortunately not available in the UK) and it's basically aniseed, which you dissolve in hot milk. It's bloody wonderful as far as getting to sleep is concerned, and it's also non-addictive. Anyway, I'm planning to really complain this time, as it's happened too often.

It might just work...

Hello.

I started an increased dose of clomipramine last week. I know it should take a while to work, but I'm feeling just a little bit better. I really hope it's working, as if it does, no more lithium.

I had my guide dog mobility assessment last week, and it went really well. I hope I'm not on a high from that, and that this is really the depression lifting. I can't cope with another false recovery.

Hello

Hiya, how are you? I'm doing okay. My psychiatrist has increased my clomipramine to 50 mg this month, and 75 mg next month. If this works, and the depression lifts, then he's going to take me off lithium. This would be absolutely wonderful! I know my depression is resistant, but lithium always seemed a bit fierce.

I've just done something I can't believe I did. I wrote an email to someone I haven't spoken to in 13 years. I couldn't face contacting her before, but I got a group letter with her email, so I bit the bullet. I don't know how she's going to react, I hope it's a favourable reaction. I can't remember her well enough to predict. Maybe I did something stupid there, but I felt compelled to do it. Ever felt like that?

I'm still horribly depressed, but it's only a week and a half till I see my psychiatrist. I'm also going on a day out on Friday, to a huge craft shop. I'm looking forward to it.

Sick of it all

I'm sick of being ill. If it's not the schizophrenia, its the depression, which means I'm struggling to fight the schizophrenia. I'm tired, both mentally and physically, I just don't care any more. I hate feeling like this, it makes me feel dead inside, like I don't exist, and if I do, hen it wouldn't matter if I didn't.

I've had 10 days of nitrazepam, which has given me a drugged sleep, so at least I've been physically rested (your brain doesn't stop working, it still goes on as per usual). I've finished the course now, so doubtless I'll go back to not sleeping, which will make the depression worse. Is there nothing I can do?

"Sit it out"!

The depression's no better, in fact, it's feeling worse than ever right now. A CPN told me I should be used to my resistant depression, and should sit out the next few months, as I know it usually lifts after 6 or 7 months. This is bloody stupid! I am used to my depression, but I also know that I can't just put up with it like she says, as it's crushing me. I can't face doing anything. Even Robbie isn't getting all the love he should, II just can't cope with him at the moment. I love that cat, and he's so important to me, which means there must be something quite wrong.