At least something's going right!

The furniture I bought with the Community Care Grant I was given has finally all arrived. It also works, in the case of the cooker and washing machine, and my brother likes the sofa-bed, which he'll sleep on until he moves out. It's a relief, because things have been so chaotic, which doesn't help with my depression.

Anyway, things are at least looking up in that respect, and I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Monday. I also got an appointment at the pain clinic, for the 24th May, which will hopefully help.

I'm feeling really low at the moment. I've got no reason, but then,I don't need one, as my depression can flare up at any point with absolutely no apparent cause. I'm fed up already, and I've only been feeling this way since Thursday. I'm hoping it'll pass, and I won't need a change of medication, but, knowing my luck, I will. I know I've got much less to complain about than many people, and I should just shut up, but it's hard when you can't even see a point to anything.

A second apology (and this time I mean it)

In my early blog entries, I lashed out. Lashed out at God, the only one who would take this, and still forgive. I did this because I was so ill, and so tired of life, and I felt I needed someone to blame. I'm a Catholic, although I never told you this before, because I blamed my religion and God Himself, for my problems.

I want to say sorry for 2 things: firstly, I'm sorry if I offended anyone, I genuinely didn't mean to. And secondly, and more importantly, for being so bloody ungrateful! I've got so much: a life, my freedom, relatively good health, and enough money to live on, even though some would class me as poor. I've got all I need materially, and, with God's love, I've got enough to survive this life, with all its' problems. The services I've been to in Holy Week have moved me greatly, I've always known that God loves me, but I couldn't accept it, because I thought I was hard-done-by. If I look into my heart, and use my head, I know that's not really true, I've been given strength to cope with what I've got to deal with, and that's the greatest gift of all.

Thanks for putting up with me, and, if you think that I'm an idiot for what I've just said, you're entitled to your views, but I'm sticking by it!

I feel almost "normal"

I can hardly believe it, I feel like I'm supposed to! My anti-psychotics are working, so is the morphine. I'm off the gabapentin, so I'm only on 4 meds now. It's great. I don't know how long it will last, and, to be honest, I don't care. If I can feel like this for just a few weeks, that's enough for me. I don't ask much out of life, but to feel good for a while is what I really want.

Morphine

I'm currently on morphine. It's working, the pain's been dulled to a level I can cope with, but I feel really weird. I'm also very tired. I'm a bit worried about what my psychiatrist is going to say though. I see him tomorrow morning, so we'll see. If he can come up with an alternative that works, and doesn't make me feel so crap, I'll take it, but I don't want to stop the morphine unless I know the alternative will be as effective. I'm sick of being in severe pain, with no prospect of it ever getting any better. My big worry is addiction. I will get addicted to morphine if I stay on it longterm, but what can I do? Is it worth it?

Positives and negatives

Life's made up of positives and negatives. I've got a bit of both at the moment.

Positives:
I'm still feeling better. The new meds are definitely working.
I've got a new toy. A talking mobile phone. Brilliant! I can now text people, and don't need to remember all of my friends' phone numbers.


Negative
My pain relief is still not working. I'm now on 2.4g of Gabapentin, and 150 mg of Diclofenac, and I'm still in a lot of pain. Ah well...

Thank God...

I'm feeling better! I can't believe it. The meds are actually working, and it's only taken about a week. I felt better yesterday, but didn't like to say anything, in case it was a fluke, but this doesn't seem to be. All I can say is: long may it continue.

Unfortunately, the Risperidone seems to have stopped the Gabapentin working, so I'm in a lot of pain. I'm going to the GP today to talk painkillers. I'll let you know how it goes.