Why does everything have to bring back old pain? Why can't I just forget?

I feel like all the fight's gone out of me. I'm just so tired, both mentally and physically. I don't want to go on like this, but I've got no choice. I just want it to stop, but it won't. What did I do to deserve this?

Yet more meds

Well, I got a scrip today for Chlorpromazine. Hopefully it'll stabilise me for long enough to see my psychiatrist, who's away this week. His SHO was very helpful, and I'm hoping this'll work, but to be honest, I think I'm going to end up in hospital sooner rather than later. I hope I'm wrong, but I know how I'm feeling, and I know how things are when it gets that bad. Well, I'm sorting out things to do if I do go in, I've promised to try and make blankets for a charity that sends help to Romania, which I think is a good cause.

When things go wrong (again)

Things are going wrong again. The psychosis has suddenly got worse: the voices are louder, the TV's talking about me, and I'm seeing lots of strange things. My psychiatrist has doubled my risperidone, but to no effect. I'm getting so sick of this, I just want it to stop, and it won't. I don't think it ever will. I don't know what to do. I've passed on a message to my psychiatrist, telling him that things haven't improved, so maybe he'll come up with something. I just hope its not haloperidol.

At least something's going right!

The furniture I bought with the Community Care Grant I was given has finally all arrived. It also works, in the case of the cooker and washing machine, and my brother likes the sofa-bed, which he'll sleep on until he moves out. It's a relief, because things have been so chaotic, which doesn't help with my depression.

Anyway, things are at least looking up in that respect, and I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Monday. I also got an appointment at the pain clinic, for the 24th May, which will hopefully help.

I'm feeling really low at the moment. I've got no reason, but then,I don't need one, as my depression can flare up at any point with absolutely no apparent cause. I'm fed up already, and I've only been feeling this way since Thursday. I'm hoping it'll pass, and I won't need a change of medication, but, knowing my luck, I will. I know I've got much less to complain about than many people, and I should just shut up, but it's hard when you can't even see a point to anything.

A second apology (and this time I mean it)

In my early blog entries, I lashed out. Lashed out at God, the only one who would take this, and still forgive. I did this because I was so ill, and so tired of life, and I felt I needed someone to blame. I'm a Catholic, although I never told you this before, because I blamed my religion and God Himself, for my problems.

I want to say sorry for 2 things: firstly, I'm sorry if I offended anyone, I genuinely didn't mean to. And secondly, and more importantly, for being so bloody ungrateful! I've got so much: a life, my freedom, relatively good health, and enough money to live on, even though some would class me as poor. I've got all I need materially, and, with God's love, I've got enough to survive this life, with all its' problems. The services I've been to in Holy Week have moved me greatly, I've always known that God loves me, but I couldn't accept it, because I thought I was hard-done-by. If I look into my heart, and use my head, I know that's not really true, I've been given strength to cope with what I've got to deal with, and that's the greatest gift of all.

Thanks for putting up with me, and, if you think that I'm an idiot for what I've just said, you're entitled to your views, but I'm sticking by it!