I' feeling quite flat today. I can't seem to lift myself out of it. I haven't felt this way in a while, I'm hoping it's temporary, and not my meds wearing off. They have a nasty habit of doing that, and I could really do without it.

Other than that, just carrying on as usual, doing my normal things. Cooked a really good sponge cake yesterday in cookery. It was a messy job making it, we stirred the ingredients together with our hands, but it was worth it. I've given it to my stepdad as a present, he loves cake.

Sorry it's been so long

It's been ages since I've written this blog, and I'm sorry. I don't have much news, things are going really well with the Clozapine, and I'm coping well.

I didn't think much of my psychiatrist's idea of trying it out, I was resistant to the idea of meds that could make me feel worse physically, but I really suggest that if your doctor suggests treatment you're not sure about, go for it. Be honest, what have you got to lose?

I'm back!

Hi, how are you?

I got out of hospital on Tuesday afternoon. I'm feeling really good, the Clozaril is working well. I've also been given Gabapentin for the pain in my eyes, which isn't actually in my eyes, its in my brain (proves I have one!)

I don't know how worthwhile any future postings will be, as I don't want to rub it in how well I'm feeling, but I'll carry on regardless, and if you want me to go away, let me know.

Still waiting...

Hello there, if you are there!

I'm waiting to go into hospital, because there are no beds on the ward. This is fine, I know that there are people in a much worse situation than I am, who need the beds a lot more. This is not the problem. The problem is: My psychiatrist said he wanted me to go onto the ward, to start the Clozaril, but nobody passed that message to the ward. I don't mind that I'm not there, but people not doing there jobs properly really gets to me!

Hospitalisation

I had a fairly urgent appointment with my psychiatrist this morning. I knew I would have to go back on clozapine, but I know that I have to go into hospital to start. I don't know how long I'll be there, but, if its a while, sorry. I haven't forgotten you! I don't even know if the are a "you", and if there isn't, then I'm just writing this for my own good.

An apology

I'm writing this after talking to a friend who read the entry about my exorcism. I really didn't mean to portray anyone who is religious as being delusional. I was describing my own family, particularly my mother, who was both. If I've offended anyone, that really wasn't my intention. People are entitled to believe what they want. My problem is that these beliefs can cause harm, and that is my experience of it.

Clozaril

I've not been doing too well lately. I've been reducing my meds, as my doctor said I should, and I'm now feeling pretty awful. I'm hardly sleeping at all. I know this is pretty usual for me, but when I just wasn't sleeping, I could relax physically, and now I'm not sleeping due to meds, I can't relax at all.

I went to the hospital this morning, as per usual, and had a chat with theCPN, who suggested I go back on Clozaril (clozapine). My psychiatrist has suggested this several times, and I've said no to it, because the side effects are pretty horrible, leaving me with a severe loss in quality of life. It puts weight on you, makes you dribble, slurs your speech, and generally slows you down. The CPN I saw this morning told me about some new ideas on how some of these side effects could be controlled. I eat fairly healthily, and could always improve my diet, I also do a lot more exercise now than I did when I was first on this drug. There are also some meds that reduce the production of saliva, which would control the dribbling fairly well.

Given this new information, I think I will try Clozaril, if my doctor still thinks it's a good idea, which I think he will. Its a scary thought, but I'm pretty much willing to try most things, if there's a reasonable assumption that it could make me better.