Sick of it all

I'm sick of being ill. If it's not the schizophrenia, its the depression, which means I'm struggling to fight the schizophrenia. I'm tired, both mentally and physically, I just don't care any more. I hate feeling like this, it makes me feel dead inside, like I don't exist, and if I do, hen it wouldn't matter if I didn't.

I've had 10 days of nitrazepam, which has given me a drugged sleep, so at least I've been physically rested (your brain doesn't stop working, it still goes on as per usual). I've finished the course now, so doubtless I'll go back to not sleeping, which will make the depression worse. Is there nothing I can do?

"Sit it out"!

The depression's no better, in fact, it's feeling worse than ever right now. A CPN told me I should be used to my resistant depression, and should sit out the next few months, as I know it usually lifts after 6 or 7 months. This is bloody stupid! I am used to my depression, but I also know that I can't just put up with it like she says, as it's crushing me. I can't face doing anything. Even Robbie isn't getting all the love he should, II just can't cope with him at the moment. I love that cat, and he's so important to me, which means there must be something quite wrong.

I went to see my psychiatrist on Tuesday. I've been feeling really low recently, as well as extremely tired, so he's put me on clomipramine, a strong antidepressant. He said I'd feel a bit weird to start off with, which I do, but hopefully it'll sort me out. I didn't sleep any better last night, but I can't expect miracles.

Hiya

I'm not sleeping again. This is really taking the piss! When I want to sleep, I can't, because it's in the middle of the day when I have to be awake, and when I can sleep, because it's night time, I can't sleep at all. Why does this always happen? I don't like moaning (not that you'd know!) but I'm so tired, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm almost back to whiskey and painkillers again, but, as I've said before (or at least I think I have) I don't want to go down that road, it's a very slippery slope.

Hi again

Hello.

I'm still doing well on the clozapine. I'm honestly so surprised that it's working. I don't seem to have put on much weight at all, and the other side effects are bearable. The only problem is the tiredness, caused by the interaction between clozapine and gabapentin. Ah well, you can't have everything...

I' feeling quite flat today. I can't seem to lift myself out of it. I haven't felt this way in a while, I'm hoping it's temporary, and not my meds wearing off. They have a nasty habit of doing that, and I could really do without it.

Other than that, just carrying on as usual, doing my normal things. Cooked a really good sponge cake yesterday in cookery. It was a messy job making it, we stirred the ingredients together with our hands, but it was worth it. I've given it to my stepdad as a present, he loves cake.

Sorry it's been so long

It's been ages since I've written this blog, and I'm sorry. I don't have much news, things are going really well with the Clozapine, and I'm coping well.

I didn't think much of my psychiatrist's idea of trying it out, I was resistant to the idea of meds that could make me feel worse physically, but I really suggest that if your doctor suggests treatment you're not sure about, go for it. Be honest, what have you got to lose?