How was Christmas?

Christmas went fairly well for me. I cooked dinner for me, my brother and stepdad. I've started finding Christmas difficult, after my mom died nearly 6 years ago. I find my birthday even worse, as she died 5 days after my 21st. I'm not looking for sympathy here, its just a fact in my life, which I can't change, so should just learn to get used to it.

I also find Christmas hard because you're just expected to be fine, no matter what. I can't just turn on happy feelings, although I do always try, so other people don't get pissed off with me. It does annoy me when some people say that I'm just putting it on, that there's nothing wrong that all it would take to sort me out would be a job, boyfriend, money, or God know's what. This is so blatantly not true: do you really think I like being a mess, or make my own (and other people's) lives difficult, or at least uncomfortable?

Sorry, rant over! I find that if I don't go off on one fairly regularly, then I'll explode.That's about all I'll burden you with for now. Hope you're coping well enough.

Exorcism

Hi again!

One thing I don't like talking about, in relation to my family and my illness, is that, when I was 14, my parents had me exorcised, because my mum believed that I was possessed.

This must sound really weird to anyone whose family aren't strongly religeous/delusional, but, knowing my family, it doesn't surprise me at all. I don't remember too much about it, but I can remember being very frightened, as I was convinced that they must have been right, because why else would they put me through this.

All I can say to anyone in this position is that you may as well play along with it, because someone might actually start to believe you about what's going on in your head, if they've tried something that strange. Try not to be scared, it really doesn't help.

I hope this never happens to anyone reading this, but if it does, and you want to talk, send me a message.

I hate the internet!

Actually, I don't hate the internet, I think it's great, but my connection has been down for a week, and it's been annoying.

I haven't been feeling too great these last few days. I feel detached from everything. I'm still doing all the things I usually do, but not getting any interest in them. Even baking isn't making me feel right. I don't know what this is, but I don't like it!

Thought I should say hello

As I say, I think I should write this, in case anyone (and I don't know how many, if anyone) reads this, and thinks I've forgotten to do this.


I'm sleeping well with diazepam, but not without, which isn't good from my point of view.

I had to go and see my GP yesterday. It seems that my lithium levels are very low. I take lithium for severe, and non-responsive depression. I hadn't been feeling right for a while, in a way that's different to the psychosis. That's been sorted out pretty well by the haloperidol. I've just been feeling low and like my head's full of sand for a while, and it turns out that my levels have been low since at least August. I'm going to try and get it sorted out on Monday, when I go to get my meds.

I'm really tired!

As I say, I'm shattered. Fortunately it's because I've been given diazepam, which is making me sleep quite well, but making me really sleepy in the daytime too. I shouldn't complain,at least I'm actually getting some sleep, I'd just like to have some control over when that happens.

My psychiatrist is going to cut down on my Olanzapine in January. It's the least effective of the 3 antipsychotics I take, and I' always appreciate efforts to have me on less pills than I am now. All I hope is that it doesn't send me back to being ill. I trust him though, and that he knows more about meds than I do.

Progress?

I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday. He was pleased with how I'm getting on,and wants to reduce or totally cut out Olanzapine (an antipsychotic). I'm not sleeping, which is not easy for me, but he's given me some diazepam, which I'm hoping will work The only reason I put a question mark in the title is that I feel like things only work for a month or two, and I can't cope with things falling apart again, I've had just about enough of being ill.

I'm doing okay

Well, the haloperidol has really made a difference to me. All the usual symptoms are still there, but are more in the background, so I can cope with them most of the time, and, when I can't, my rational mind kicks in quite quickly. I just hope it lasts.

I'm starting to think about stuff, like making things to sell with my crochet work. I' not plugging myself, I just think it might be helpful to anyone who's suffering that you can try to do things, however strange they may seem to be.

Haloperidol

Finally, something has worked! I've been started on a very high dose of haloperidol. It's made me feel much better mentally already, even though its only been a week. All the symptoms are still there, but they're all much less prominent, so I can cope with them I've never been symptom free, so it doesn't bother me that they're still there.

Sadly, there are some side effects. Basically, I'm stiff as a plank. My left arm, right side of my jaw and my ribcage all hurt, and are very stiff. I've got some paracetamol, codeine and deep heat cream, but nothing's stopping the pain at all.

But (I know I shouldn't start a sentence with "but") whatever the pain, its all better than being ill. You can take painkillers for physical pain, so I'm going to ask my psychiatrist if I can stay on this dose, as it's doing me the world of good.

A friendship sorted out

Well, I've made it up with Mikie. I know that sounds mad to all of you who are well, and have no need of a comfort hallucination or imaginary friend, but it really matters to me. He's a massive part of my life, as I've said before. So, I'm feeling better in that department. Mow I've just got to sort out the rest of the crap in my head!

New meds

Well, I went to see my psychiatrist today. It went really well. He's put me back on haloperidol, which is nasty, but has worked for me in the past. There doesn't seem to be that much more he can do, so I'm really hoping this works.

Destroy is a good word

Well, the title sums it up: destroy is a good word.

I am feeling so lonely. I've got nobody to talk to. and all I'm hearing are my voices, which is not fun. They're so horrible to me. They tell me I'm worthless, nobody cares about me, and often say I should kill myself. The TV is scarier though. It sometimes sends me messages, like signals rather than voices, telling me to kill my family, neighbours, or people I care about. Sometimes they tell me to kill my cat too, which really upsets me.

I had a falling out with Mikie this morning. I don't know what I did, but now he's not speaking to me. I keep apologising, but I have a horrible thought that I accused him of being part of The System. That's the worst thing I could ever say to him. I know it's not true, I just get so worked up and scared, I don't always realise what I'm saying until I've said it. I really hope he forgives me, as he's the best friend I've got.

What more can I expect?

Ah well, the depression's setting in. I should learn to expect it, as I usually get depressed when the schizophrenia hits a certain point of horribleness *(is that a proper word?). It's really not nice. I'll tell the CPN tomorrow, but there's not much she can do. I'm also supposed to tell my social worker, but she's got that sickness virus, so I can't. Why does it all have to be so crap for me? I do complain, but it could be an awful lot worse.

Had enough!

I went to see my psychiatrist on Monday. He changed my meds, giving me Clopixol instead of Depixol. I haven't noticed any improvement, in fact, I'm feeling worse. He told my social worker that he was pleased with my progress. What do I have to say to show him that I'm not making progress at all? I feel terrible, I can't cope with this much longer. I go to bed at night hoping to die before morning. I'm not depressed, nor am I suicidal, I'm just plain ill. I have no intension of taking my own life, but the way I'm feeling, I just want it to stop.

just about coping

I'm feeling really unwell now. I'm writing this during a brief stint in reality. I'm sleeping better, but this isn't helping the psychosis.

I had a sip of water on Tuesday, and suddenly felt like there was a live worm in my mouth. I tried to spit it out, but I swallowed the water. It took me hours to calm down, and realise that it wasn't going to dig it's way out of my stomach. My hallucinations are getting much worse too. It's like a living nightmare at the moment. I see the doctor on Monday, and I'm desperate for help. If this means going into hospital, I'll do it (I hate it in hospital).

Sleep

Well, I never thought I'd say this again, but I had about 6 hours of sleep last night. I don't know why. The psychosis is still getting worse, but it seems to be a slow process this time, so I think I'll be okay until I see my psychiatrist.

I had an argument with someone this week, about self harm. I do self harm. I scratch or burn, but never cut. The reason for this is really messed up, but suffice it to say, I have real problems with blood. It's not a release of tension for me, it's just when I feel pain, for a few seconds, I feel better. She said that that was stupid, and asked why I couldn't do more constructive and less damaging things to cope. I don't like being talked down to, and made this very clear to her. Also, self harm can be in a small way useful. If the doctor knows I've held the iron to my arm, he knows things aren't okay, even if I try to convince him that they're not. I don't suggest self harm to anyone. If you can find another way of coping, please use it. But, if you can't, be careful, and keep your cuts/burns clean, because infection hurts, trust me. You Aren't stupid to do it, but try not to, the scars aren't usually worth it.

Some good luck

I went to see my psychiatrist today. He was really sympathetic, and increased my Depixol to the maximum dose. This should start to help (if it does at all) within the next week. He thinks that, when the psychosis is under control, I should sleep much better too.

I was quite worried that he'd put me back on clozapine, another typical antypsychotic. It has really horrible side effects: dribbling, massive weight gain, slurred speech, extreme tiredness. I was on it for 5 years, and it made me want to die. It did help with the psychosis, but it also destroyed my confidence.

Well, I'll just have to wait and see.

False hope (I think)

Well, I was hoping that cutting out the nighttime dose of procycladine would lead to more sleep, but it hasn't. Damn!

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I really need some help. There's too much noise in my head. There are spiders crawling in my hair. I don't want to do what the TV's telling me to, but I'm really struggling to see a way out of it, which will keep my family safe. Any ideas?

Finally!

I learned something this week that might massively improve my quality of life. I found out that one of the tablets I take at night (a drug called procycladine, which combats some of the side effects of the antipsychotics) is a stimulant. This means that it might be the cause of me not sleeping. I've stopped taking my night time dose, and I'm waiting for it to get out of my system a bit, and to start sleeping. Why couldn't someone have told me this before?

My social worker is being really helpful. She's got me an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday, so hopefully he'll help me too. The psychotic symptoms are no better, but at least I can still think in an organised way. When that goes, I'm stuffed!

I'll let you know what's going on on Monday.

Just another thought

There might be another thing you notice about me if I'm ill. I tend to go on about The System. This is a paranoid delusion. The System is an almost all-powerful and evil organisation. It tries to control everything, and those who fight against it are always in danger.

I was told about The System by a friend I met while in hospital. I managed to ignore this paranoia for a long time, until this friend was killed in a hit and run last year. A hit and run is the kind of death that makes you really paranoid, especially if you're that way inclined, as I am.

So, if I'm ranting about that, and making very little sense, it's because I'm terrified.

sorry, forgot to title the last one!

I should maybe start by telling you about my "friend" Mikie. He's not actually real, he's what's known as a comfort hallucination. He stops me doing myself any serious harm, or hurting other people. I've known him since I was 13, and he's never been unkind to me. I know this may sound a bit weird, but I take friendship from anyone, real or not.

I had a truly horrible hallucination last night. I was lying in bed, at about 4 o'clock in the morning, and something huge, and totally evil, hovered above me. It took up almost all of my room. I screamed my head off, I was terrified. I live with my brother at the moment, until he can find somewhere to live on his own. He came in and calmed me down. That's one of the worst hallucinations I've had in the last couple of years.

That hallucination, and the fact that I'm not sleeping, and feeling very strange, makes me worry that I'm headed for a really bad episode. They tend to begin a bit like this, and there's nothing I can do. I'm trying to get in touch with my psychiatrist, but with no luck yet, as he's very busy. So, if you don't hear from me for a bit, it's because I'm in hospital. This is unlikely, as I'm usually put in the care of the Home Treatment Team, who are really helpful and supportive.

Hopefully I'm wrong. I'll let you know in time.

Just come home from the old people's home I volunteer at every week. I help out in the craft group, and wash the coffee cups. I really enjoy it there, although it doesn't sound that interesting. It's just a good way of getting out a bit, and helping people, which I enjoy doing.

I'm not really feeling too well though. I can't explain it, things just don't feel right. Hope fully it's just being over tired, and a bit too busy, but I can't be too careful. When I say I'm not feeling too well, I mean I just feel a bit weird, and can't focus properly, so if some of this makes little sense, then I'm sorry.

`

Okay.....

.......so listening to Gallows and crocheting is not the most "normal" thing to do, but it does well enough for me.

I'm not really feeling too well today. It's all a bit much. I can't seem to be able to ignore the hallucinations. I know they're not real, but they just won't go away! I keep telling myself that there's nothing crawling on the floor, and that the voices are coming from my own head, but they seem so real, so when you're experiencing them all the time (particularly the voices, which I have all the time, even in my sleep) then it starts to get confusing, and I doubt my rational judgements.

I'm so tired I could cry. I've tried almost everything. I bought an oil burner today, and some lavender crystals. A woman at the day centre suggested it yesterday, and I'm willing to try anything (well, as long as it's legal) so we'll see. My life seems so ordinary to me, but everyone else says it's quite strange, hence the title of the blog. I'm so used to the schizophrenia, it shouldn't bother me. It's been 13 years, I should have learned to control it, but that just doesn't seem to work.

I doubt I'll never get "used" to it, it's going to be part of me until I die. It's a bitch! Blindness doesn't really bother me, but I would love to be able to see colours.Anyway, I've spouted enough rubbish for now. Goodbye.

Yet another night with almost no sleep.

It's been about 2 months now. I know this is because of my illness, but it's beginning to feel like someone's got it in for me! I know that may sound paranoid, but I am paranoid, so I'm afraid you'll have to try and get used to it, as I really can't help the way I think sometimes.

The voices are also too loud. I have 4 male voices, and hear them all the time, even in my sleep. When I do actually get some sleep, they often wake me up. I started on Depixol 4 months ago, and I was starting to get to a point where I could ignore them.

Sadly, as I'm not sleeping, they've got a lot worse, and I find it very hard to cope with the symptoms if I'm tired. I recently had a horrible hallucination of the Grim Reaper, which scared the crap out of me. It's stupid, I don't even believe he exists, but when you see things, they're so real you can't stop yourself thinking that they aren't there, or don't exist.

I'll leave you now. Maybe I'll have something a bit more constructive to say next time!

Before I start, I'll introduce myself.

Hi. Before I start, I'll introduce myself. I'm exactly what I say in the title: I'm both totally blind, and I suffer from schizophrenia. I've been blind all my life, and schizophrenic for 13 years.

I like punk rock and metal, cats (well, my cat Robbie, anyway), swimming and aqua-aerobics, and cooking.I'm not sure what to say, as this is my first ever blog entry.

I hope that I'll come up with something better next time, but, as I said, I thought it would be much better if I told you about me, rather than just starting with a rant about how horrible meds can be sometimes. I promise I'll do that at some point soon!