Oh God...

Back on benzodiazepines.

I went to the psychiatrist today. She's put me on cutiapin, diazepam in the day and temazepam at night. I'm going to be drugged up to the eyes, but I need it. Hopefully it'll work, and I won't feel so crap. I'm pretty desperate.

Sorry I've not been around...

Well, been in hospital again, great. Only for a week this time, but it was still bad. I'm off the clozapine, as it made e ill. I'm on aripiprizole now, but it's not working. I feel crap. It's a mixture of illness and horrible memories. I'm really suffering, an d I don't know what to do.

Does Schizogirl rise again?

I feel weird today. I can't put my finger on it. I don't know if it's physical or mental. All I know is, I just don't feel right. Sometimes I hear things that upset ,
me, and won't leave my mind. I heard some horrible news stories on World Service, so that might be it. I think it's important to keep up with the news but I think I take it too far sometimes, and put myself through too much.

Yes! (she says, punching the air)

I'm getting a guide dog! I've been put on the waiting list, which is about 6-9 months. The time will fly by, I'm so excited.

Also, I've been off lithium for over a week, with no adverse effects. The blisters in my mouth are gone, and I feel less physically "slow" in my movements, more coordinated.

I star the cookery next week, all I need now is the literature course to come through, and I'll be set. Life finally seems to be working out for me. It's only taken 27 years!

I've just found out that my final guide dog assessment is on Thursday at 9.30. It's the last thing I have to do, before I'm either acceptd or rejected from the programme. I'm both nervous and excited. I'm going to make some muffins for them.

Other than that, I'm doing really well. I've been off lithium since Sunday, and I'm feeling so much better physically. My mouth isn't blistered, I can drink hot drinks and eat hot curries, it's great!

It'd better be worth it...

I had the contraceptive implant put in my arm on Friday. I suffer very badly with my periods, and this seems to be the best way of helping. I should have 3 years of less trouble. This is all well and good, but it's not without its drawbacks. It didn't hurt having it put, in, they give you a local anaesthetic, it just feels a bit weird. Then, when this wears off, you feel a bit bruised. I don't know about anyone else, but my arm is black around th e implant. It's so bruised, and hurts. But, if it helps, I can live with a few days of discomfort. I'm sorry to moan, but I think anyone thinking about it should know. Don't let it put you off, I'm certain it's going to be worth it, just be prepared...

Muffins!

I've made cinnamon muffins today, and they worked. I love making muffins, it's so easy, and the results are almost always satisfying. It's hard to make a mess of them, and Betty Crocker ones cost more. Don't get me wrong, they're good, but you can make your own much cheaper, if you can get hold of blueberries. They cost so much, but I've got a friend who grows them, so I'm lucky.

I'm feeling really well today. I'm a bit sick of being treated like I don't have feelings, like I'm a blind schizophrenic lump, but other than that, I'm okay. The jumper I'm making is going well, as are the evening bags. Life is generally good, for a change, and I intend to make the most of it, while it lasts.

Slow news day...

I' doing well coming off lithium. I haven't had any problems, and feel physically much better. My social worker was pleasantly surprised about this.
As the title says, its a slow news day, not much has happened, I just thought I'd say hello.

Dog walk

I did my dog walk assessment today. I walked 2 dogs, Star and India. They were both great, but I found India easier to walk with, as Star was a bit "bouncy", and excitable. India was a black lab retriever cross, and Star was a golden retriever. I did well on the walks, and there's now only one more step before I might get on the list for a dog. I'm tired, but really happy.

Yay!

I'm coming off lithium. This is so great! It's been making me feel crap for 7 years now, and I'm going to finally be rid of it in the next 6 weeks. I have to cut down the dose from 12 ml to 0 ml by 2 ml per week. My brother's getting me a syringe to do this as we speak. My psychiatrist is pleased with how I'm getting on. I think the way I've been feeling this last 10 days or so was a blip, as I haven't relapsed. My nan's 90th birthday party was a turning point. I had to psych myself up to going, it was hard,but I'm glad I did, she had a great time, and I seemed to turn a corner in myself, and now I'm feeling a lot better.

Ugly bleeder!

I had a blood test on Monday. I'm used to these, I have them regularly. Unfortunately, this time,, the nurse nicked an artery, and I bled, lots. It was so bad, I felt light-headed. The nurse was very apologetic, and I'm not angry, it just wasn't very pleasant at all. On top of that, I'm not feeling well again. The voices are getting louder,I can't clear my head, and I just don't feel like me.

New social worker

It happened amazingly quickly. I can't believe anything in the mental health system worked so fast! I met my new social worker yesterday, and he was great. We talked for a long time,and he really listened to me. He's going to see me every 2 weeks, which is a refreshing change. My brother also met him, and was also impressed. Hopefully this will be a successful outcome to my disasterous relationship with social workers.

Finally....

I'm being given a new social worker. It's been about 9 months since I saw my old one. I've no idea what the new one will be like, I just hope he or she's reliable. I just thought I'd share my good news with the world!

It crept up on everyone nut me

I was talking to a friend about his depressive breakdown. HE found that it seemed to creep up on him, that he wasn't expecting it when it came. I feel almost the total opposite. My illness was obvious to me from the start, but nobody else noticed it until I was a total wreck. Its' strange how things happen like that.

On a more practical note, I've asked for a new social worker. I haven't seen mine since February, before I went into hospital. I'm not asking for much, just a bit of reliable support and contact. Hopefully something will come of it, I'm sick of being messed about.

No meds (again)

I usually collect my meds on a Monday morning. Because of the bank holiday, this changed, and someone was supposed to bring them round for me. Well, I waited all day Monday, no meds. By the time I realised they weren't coming, it was too late to phone. So, I spent a horrible night in pain without the gabapentin, so I didn't sleep at all. By Tuesday, the lack of anti-psychotics was starting to make itself felt. I was beginning to hallucinate visually, and the voices were getting louder and louder. As well as this, I was physically sick with the pain in my eyes. My brother phoned the hospital on Tuesday morning, planning to complain. He was passed from pillar to post, and finally the drugs were found. But, none of the CPNs were prepared to deliver them, so my brother had to go and fetch them. This isn't a long journey, but he was extremely pissed off that he had to do it.

By the time I got home I was a wreck. I took my meds, and slept for a long time, helped out by a new thing I've found to help me sleep. It's Dutch (unfortunately not available in the UK) and it's basically aniseed, which you dissolve in hot milk. It's bloody wonderful as far as getting to sleep is concerned, and it's also non-addictive. Anyway, I'm planning to really complain this time, as it's happened too often.

It might just work...

Hello.

I started an increased dose of clomipramine last week. I know it should take a while to work, but I'm feeling just a little bit better. I really hope it's working, as if it does, no more lithium.

I had my guide dog mobility assessment last week, and it went really well. I hope I'm not on a high from that, and that this is really the depression lifting. I can't cope with another false recovery.

Hello

Hiya, how are you? I'm doing okay. My psychiatrist has increased my clomipramine to 50 mg this month, and 75 mg next month. If this works, and the depression lifts, then he's going to take me off lithium. This would be absolutely wonderful! I know my depression is resistant, but lithium always seemed a bit fierce.

I've just done something I can't believe I did. I wrote an email to someone I haven't spoken to in 13 years. I couldn't face contacting her before, but I got a group letter with her email, so I bit the bullet. I don't know how she's going to react, I hope it's a favourable reaction. I can't remember her well enough to predict. Maybe I did something stupid there, but I felt compelled to do it. Ever felt like that?

I'm still horribly depressed, but it's only a week and a half till I see my psychiatrist. I'm also going on a day out on Friday, to a huge craft shop. I'm looking forward to it.

Sick of it all

I'm sick of being ill. If it's not the schizophrenia, its the depression, which means I'm struggling to fight the schizophrenia. I'm tired, both mentally and physically, I just don't care any more. I hate feeling like this, it makes me feel dead inside, like I don't exist, and if I do, hen it wouldn't matter if I didn't.

I've had 10 days of nitrazepam, which has given me a drugged sleep, so at least I've been physically rested (your brain doesn't stop working, it still goes on as per usual). I've finished the course now, so doubtless I'll go back to not sleeping, which will make the depression worse. Is there nothing I can do?

"Sit it out"!

The depression's no better, in fact, it's feeling worse than ever right now. A CPN told me I should be used to my resistant depression, and should sit out the next few months, as I know it usually lifts after 6 or 7 months. This is bloody stupid! I am used to my depression, but I also know that I can't just put up with it like she says, as it's crushing me. I can't face doing anything. Even Robbie isn't getting all the love he should, II just can't cope with him at the moment. I love that cat, and he's so important to me, which means there must be something quite wrong.

I went to see my psychiatrist on Tuesday. I've been feeling really low recently, as well as extremely tired, so he's put me on clomipramine, a strong antidepressant. He said I'd feel a bit weird to start off with, which I do, but hopefully it'll sort me out. I didn't sleep any better last night, but I can't expect miracles.

Hiya

I'm not sleeping again. This is really taking the piss! When I want to sleep, I can't, because it's in the middle of the day when I have to be awake, and when I can sleep, because it's night time, I can't sleep at all. Why does this always happen? I don't like moaning (not that you'd know!) but I'm so tired, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm almost back to whiskey and painkillers again, but, as I've said before (or at least I think I have) I don't want to go down that road, it's a very slippery slope.

Hi again

Hello.

I'm still doing well on the clozapine. I'm honestly so surprised that it's working. I don't seem to have put on much weight at all, and the other side effects are bearable. The only problem is the tiredness, caused by the interaction between clozapine and gabapentin. Ah well, you can't have everything...

I' feeling quite flat today. I can't seem to lift myself out of it. I haven't felt this way in a while, I'm hoping it's temporary, and not my meds wearing off. They have a nasty habit of doing that, and I could really do without it.

Other than that, just carrying on as usual, doing my normal things. Cooked a really good sponge cake yesterday in cookery. It was a messy job making it, we stirred the ingredients together with our hands, but it was worth it. I've given it to my stepdad as a present, he loves cake.

Sorry it's been so long

It's been ages since I've written this blog, and I'm sorry. I don't have much news, things are going really well with the Clozapine, and I'm coping well.

I didn't think much of my psychiatrist's idea of trying it out, I was resistant to the idea of meds that could make me feel worse physically, but I really suggest that if your doctor suggests treatment you're not sure about, go for it. Be honest, what have you got to lose?

I'm back!

Hi, how are you?

I got out of hospital on Tuesday afternoon. I'm feeling really good, the Clozaril is working well. I've also been given Gabapentin for the pain in my eyes, which isn't actually in my eyes, its in my brain (proves I have one!)

I don't know how worthwhile any future postings will be, as I don't want to rub it in how well I'm feeling, but I'll carry on regardless, and if you want me to go away, let me know.

Still waiting...

Hello there, if you are there!

I'm waiting to go into hospital, because there are no beds on the ward. This is fine, I know that there are people in a much worse situation than I am, who need the beds a lot more. This is not the problem. The problem is: My psychiatrist said he wanted me to go onto the ward, to start the Clozaril, but nobody passed that message to the ward. I don't mind that I'm not there, but people not doing there jobs properly really gets to me!

Hospitalisation

I had a fairly urgent appointment with my psychiatrist this morning. I knew I would have to go back on clozapine, but I know that I have to go into hospital to start. I don't know how long I'll be there, but, if its a while, sorry. I haven't forgotten you! I don't even know if the are a "you", and if there isn't, then I'm just writing this for my own good.

An apology

I'm writing this after talking to a friend who read the entry about my exorcism. I really didn't mean to portray anyone who is religious as being delusional. I was describing my own family, particularly my mother, who was both. If I've offended anyone, that really wasn't my intention. People are entitled to believe what they want. My problem is that these beliefs can cause harm, and that is my experience of it.

Clozaril

I've not been doing too well lately. I've been reducing my meds, as my doctor said I should, and I'm now feeling pretty awful. I'm hardly sleeping at all. I know this is pretty usual for me, but when I just wasn't sleeping, I could relax physically, and now I'm not sleeping due to meds, I can't relax at all.

I went to the hospital this morning, as per usual, and had a chat with theCPN, who suggested I go back on Clozaril (clozapine). My psychiatrist has suggested this several times, and I've said no to it, because the side effects are pretty horrible, leaving me with a severe loss in quality of life. It puts weight on you, makes you dribble, slurs your speech, and generally slows you down. The CPN I saw this morning told me about some new ideas on how some of these side effects could be controlled. I eat fairly healthily, and could always improve my diet, I also do a lot more exercise now than I did when I was first on this drug. There are also some meds that reduce the production of saliva, which would control the dribbling fairly well.

Given this new information, I think I will try Clozaril, if my doctor still thinks it's a good idea, which I think he will. Its a scary thought, but I'm pretty much willing to try most things, if there's a reasonable assumption that it could make me better.

Sorry, it's been a while

Hi. As I say, I am really sorry it's taken me so long to write this. I do have a good excuse: I feel like crap. All the symptoms are getting worse, especially the voices and tactile hallucinations. All I want is a few minutes silence. Is that really too much to ask?

I saw my psychiatrist this morning. He's going to try stripping back my meds, gradually, to see if I could do better starting from scratch again. My social worker came with me, as I get so confused sometimes, and I forget to ask the questions I want an answer to. I' going to half the araprazole, and then half the olanzapine. HE says that the first change should go okay, but cutting down the olanzapine will be quite difficult. If will make it hard to sleep, but, as you well know, I don't sleep anyway, so it will be bad. I might have to go into hospital at some point, but to be perfectly honest I don't care if it will make me feel any better than I do right now.

I'm fed up

As the subject says, I'm fed up. I'm sick of being called a freak. I know I'm a bit weird, I'd probably be weird even if I wasn't ill, but I don't think that's freakish. I'm also not a freak because I can't see. The way I see it, I have an advantage over some people, because I hear better, and, because I have to, I listen more. I don't see how some people think they have a God given right to insult me, when they don't know me.