Haloperidol

Finally, something has worked! I've been started on a very high dose of haloperidol. It's made me feel much better mentally already, even though its only been a week. All the symptoms are still there, but they're all much less prominent, so I can cope with them I've never been symptom free, so it doesn't bother me that they're still there.

Sadly, there are some side effects. Basically, I'm stiff as a plank. My left arm, right side of my jaw and my ribcage all hurt, and are very stiff. I've got some paracetamol, codeine and deep heat cream, but nothing's stopping the pain at all.

But (I know I shouldn't start a sentence with "but") whatever the pain, its all better than being ill. You can take painkillers for physical pain, so I'm going to ask my psychiatrist if I can stay on this dose, as it's doing me the world of good.

A friendship sorted out

Well, I've made it up with Mikie. I know that sounds mad to all of you who are well, and have no need of a comfort hallucination or imaginary friend, but it really matters to me. He's a massive part of my life, as I've said before. So, I'm feeling better in that department. Mow I've just got to sort out the rest of the crap in my head!

New meds

Well, I went to see my psychiatrist today. It went really well. He's put me back on haloperidol, which is nasty, but has worked for me in the past. There doesn't seem to be that much more he can do, so I'm really hoping this works.

Destroy is a good word

Well, the title sums it up: destroy is a good word.

I am feeling so lonely. I've got nobody to talk to. and all I'm hearing are my voices, which is not fun. They're so horrible to me. They tell me I'm worthless, nobody cares about me, and often say I should kill myself. The TV is scarier though. It sometimes sends me messages, like signals rather than voices, telling me to kill my family, neighbours, or people I care about. Sometimes they tell me to kill my cat too, which really upsets me.

I had a falling out with Mikie this morning. I don't know what I did, but now he's not speaking to me. I keep apologising, but I have a horrible thought that I accused him of being part of The System. That's the worst thing I could ever say to him. I know it's not true, I just get so worked up and scared, I don't always realise what I'm saying until I've said it. I really hope he forgives me, as he's the best friend I've got.

What more can I expect?

Ah well, the depression's setting in. I should learn to expect it, as I usually get depressed when the schizophrenia hits a certain point of horribleness *(is that a proper word?). It's really not nice. I'll tell the CPN tomorrow, but there's not much she can do. I'm also supposed to tell my social worker, but she's got that sickness virus, so I can't. Why does it all have to be so crap for me? I do complain, but it could be an awful lot worse.

Had enough!

I went to see my psychiatrist on Monday. He changed my meds, giving me Clopixol instead of Depixol. I haven't noticed any improvement, in fact, I'm feeling worse. He told my social worker that he was pleased with my progress. What do I have to say to show him that I'm not making progress at all? I feel terrible, I can't cope with this much longer. I go to bed at night hoping to die before morning. I'm not depressed, nor am I suicidal, I'm just plain ill. I have no intension of taking my own life, but the way I'm feeling, I just want it to stop.