just about coping

I'm feeling really unwell now. I'm writing this during a brief stint in reality. I'm sleeping better, but this isn't helping the psychosis.

I had a sip of water on Tuesday, and suddenly felt like there was a live worm in my mouth. I tried to spit it out, but I swallowed the water. It took me hours to calm down, and realise that it wasn't going to dig it's way out of my stomach. My hallucinations are getting much worse too. It's like a living nightmare at the moment. I see the doctor on Monday, and I'm desperate for help. If this means going into hospital, I'll do it (I hate it in hospital).

Sleep

Well, I never thought I'd say this again, but I had about 6 hours of sleep last night. I don't know why. The psychosis is still getting worse, but it seems to be a slow process this time, so I think I'll be okay until I see my psychiatrist.

I had an argument with someone this week, about self harm. I do self harm. I scratch or burn, but never cut. The reason for this is really messed up, but suffice it to say, I have real problems with blood. It's not a release of tension for me, it's just when I feel pain, for a few seconds, I feel better. She said that that was stupid, and asked why I couldn't do more constructive and less damaging things to cope. I don't like being talked down to, and made this very clear to her. Also, self harm can be in a small way useful. If the doctor knows I've held the iron to my arm, he knows things aren't okay, even if I try to convince him that they're not. I don't suggest self harm to anyone. If you can find another way of coping, please use it. But, if you can't, be careful, and keep your cuts/burns clean, because infection hurts, trust me. You Aren't stupid to do it, but try not to, the scars aren't usually worth it.

Some good luck

I went to see my psychiatrist today. He was really sympathetic, and increased my Depixol to the maximum dose. This should start to help (if it does at all) within the next week. He thinks that, when the psychosis is under control, I should sleep much better too.

I was quite worried that he'd put me back on clozapine, another typical antypsychotic. It has really horrible side effects: dribbling, massive weight gain, slurred speech, extreme tiredness. I was on it for 5 years, and it made me want to die. It did help with the psychosis, but it also destroyed my confidence.

Well, I'll just have to wait and see.

False hope (I think)

Well, I was hoping that cutting out the nighttime dose of procycladine would lead to more sleep, but it hasn't. Damn!

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I really need some help. There's too much noise in my head. There are spiders crawling in my hair. I don't want to do what the TV's telling me to, but I'm really struggling to see a way out of it, which will keep my family safe. Any ideas?

Finally!

I learned something this week that might massively improve my quality of life. I found out that one of the tablets I take at night (a drug called procycladine, which combats some of the side effects of the antipsychotics) is a stimulant. This means that it might be the cause of me not sleeping. I've stopped taking my night time dose, and I'm waiting for it to get out of my system a bit, and to start sleeping. Why couldn't someone have told me this before?

My social worker is being really helpful. She's got me an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday, so hopefully he'll help me too. The psychotic symptoms are no better, but at least I can still think in an organised way. When that goes, I'm stuffed!

I'll let you know what's going on on Monday.

Just another thought

There might be another thing you notice about me if I'm ill. I tend to go on about The System. This is a paranoid delusion. The System is an almost all-powerful and evil organisation. It tries to control everything, and those who fight against it are always in danger.

I was told about The System by a friend I met while in hospital. I managed to ignore this paranoia for a long time, until this friend was killed in a hit and run last year. A hit and run is the kind of death that makes you really paranoid, especially if you're that way inclined, as I am.

So, if I'm ranting about that, and making very little sense, it's because I'm terrified.

sorry, forgot to title the last one!

I should maybe start by telling you about my "friend" Mikie. He's not actually real, he's what's known as a comfort hallucination. He stops me doing myself any serious harm, or hurting other people. I've known him since I was 13, and he's never been unkind to me. I know this may sound a bit weird, but I take friendship from anyone, real or not.

I had a truly horrible hallucination last night. I was lying in bed, at about 4 o'clock in the morning, and something huge, and totally evil, hovered above me. It took up almost all of my room. I screamed my head off, I was terrified. I live with my brother at the moment, until he can find somewhere to live on his own. He came in and calmed me down. That's one of the worst hallucinations I've had in the last couple of years.

That hallucination, and the fact that I'm not sleeping, and feeling very strange, makes me worry that I'm headed for a really bad episode. They tend to begin a bit like this, and there's nothing I can do. I'm trying to get in touch with my psychiatrist, but with no luck yet, as he's very busy. So, if you don't hear from me for a bit, it's because I'm in hospital. This is unlikely, as I'm usually put in the care of the Home Treatment Team, who are really helpful and supportive.

Hopefully I'm wrong. I'll let you know in time.

Just come home from the old people's home I volunteer at every week. I help out in the craft group, and wash the coffee cups. I really enjoy it there, although it doesn't sound that interesting. It's just a good way of getting out a bit, and helping people, which I enjoy doing.

I'm not really feeling too well though. I can't explain it, things just don't feel right. Hope fully it's just being over tired, and a bit too busy, but I can't be too careful. When I say I'm not feeling too well, I mean I just feel a bit weird, and can't focus properly, so if some of this makes little sense, then I'm sorry.

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