I'm tired of being a "schizo",
Of being thought a freak.
I'm tired of feeling worthless
I'm tired of feeling weak.
I'm tired of fighting every day,
As is it were my last,
I'm tired of all the memories,
The pain that's from the past.

Fear?

I'm starting at university in a month, and I'm terrified about being alone. Will someone take it upon htemselves to take me for coffee? Will I be able to keep up with the reading? Will this horrible depression lift in time?

All I can do is hope and pray that it all goes well, and that my fears are unfounded.

Happy Christmas

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm getting to the point I do every day, when I'm sick of being up, and go to bed rediculously early. So, I'll wish anyone reading this as happier Christmas as they can have. Mine won't be easy, I'm severely depressed and anxious, but I'll try my best to enjoy it.

Take care of yourselves, I@ll do my best to do the same...

More new meds

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. He's changed my antidepressant from Clomipramine to citalopram and trazodone, which will help calme me down too. A swell as that, he's given me diazepam, to help when things are really bad.

I've ogt a month of this, to see how it goes. All I ccan do is hope and pray that they do.

New hope?

I've just got home from an appointment witbh my psychiatrist. He's changed my antidepressants. Instead of clomipramine, he' sput me on trazodone and citalopram. THese should also help with the feelings of anxiety I've been getting. He's also given me diazapem, to calm me down in then short term.

All I can do is hope and pray that these work, and do what the last umteen drugs haven't been able to do.

I hate snow!

I've been stuck indoors again, because of snow an dice. I know it's nobody's fault, and prefectly reasonable, but it doesn't help when you're feeling depressed, and all you can do is stay inside.

I'm sure snow's pretty, but, let's be honest, I'm blind, I don't care how it looks!

Out of luck it seems

I saw my CPN yesterday. She said I'd been through pretty much all available antidepressants, and she didn't know what to do now. She suggested CBT, which didn't work the last 4 times I've tried it.
I just want all of it to stop, and to feel well. I'm dreading a Christmas feeling like this.

Tired to my bones

I'm feeling so low at the moement, nothing can cheer me up for any length f of time. It's making me so tired, to use an old word, weary. I'm tired of everything, nothing shifts it. I hear something good, and I feel better for a few minutes,then sink back down again.

I'm waiting on an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist, but it doesn't look too likely I'll get one. All I can do is keep on walking through treacle and fog, hoping for some relief.

Fed up

I'm feeling really crap at the moment. I shouldn't be: I've got a place at uni doing a degree I'm interested in, an d a friend of mine recently had some good news, but I can't seem to pull myself out of hthis one. I need a change in medication, and need to see my psychiatrist. I've been waiting for an emergency appointment to be made, but nothing so far. Also, the voices are louder than I'd like.

All I can say is, please don't let em be on the ward at Christmas.

SOme good news

I'm starting university in January, doing a part-time English literature degree. I got my offer letter yesterday, and hav accepted it.

Not doing too good

Well, it seems to be the way, when I'm in horrible pain, my schizophrenia is under control, but when the pain's under control, it rears it's ugly head. All I can do is see what professionals think I should do, but if I have to make the choice, as I may have said before, I'll choose to live in pain. Pain's personal, it hurts you, not others,, but psychosis affects everyone, and it isn't fair to cause other people problems.

A qualified success

Yesterday was the first time I sold my work to the public. I was at a Christmas fair in Stourbridge, and sold about half my stuff. I was hoping to sell more, but never mind. All I can say is, if you want any crocheted goods (i.e. bags, baby clothes) then email me at the address that comes with this blog.

A little let down

Just tried reading a CD audiobook from the RNIB, and it didn't work, either in my CD player, or on my computer. I'm going to send it back, and let them know.

I'm free!

Today is my first day since the 1st of March., and, strangely, I'm feeling fine. My other pan control is working well,. I haven't been this happy since I came off lithium a few years ago. Either way, I'm happy!

Maximum pain control

I'm now on eh maximum doe of gabapentin, my new painkiller. Don't know how well it's working yet as I've only been on the level today, but I'm counting the hours until I'm off morphine, Wednesday at 8.30pm!

Thanks

I'm just publicly thanking my friend (you'll know who you are) for giving me a brilliant shortbread recipe. I've never made it myself, and it's turned out rather well,. Thanks again.

Pain control

I'm in pain.

They're decreasing my morphine quicker than they're increasing my gabapentin. I've finally got more, so I'm allowed to sort out my pain to a small extent, but not enough. I know what I need, and what the pain doctor said I needed, but nobody seems to really listens to me. Hopefully things will improve over the next few weeks. As long as I can show I'm a good girl, and don't try to OD,, they might give me more flexibility.

I don't want to be on any painkillers, it's not what I'd hoped for my life, but it's what I'm stuck with.

Strange feelings

I've never felt like this.: disorientated, dizzy, and not really knowing who I am. I know why, it's the withdrawal from the morphine, but I don't like it. I've been told it'll only last a couple of weeks, thank God, but it's going to be a tough time.

Don't know what to do...

I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Wednesday, and don't know how to approach things. I'm quite angry with him, as he was totally unhelpful when I was getting really bad. On the other hand, he's a good doctor, and I don't want to be moved to someone else, because I've kicked off.

Why is life never easy?!

Coming off morphine

Today's the ifirst day I'm weaning myself off morphine, following doctor's instructions. So far, I feeling sick, tired and in pain (from the original problem).

On the other hand, my 4 invisible enemies are chattering a little louder than I'd like, but I'm not worried, I think it's just a little blip.

I think the withdrawal symptoms will get worse before they get better, but we'll just have to see. Please pray for me, and, in a big measure, wish me luck!

Coming off morphine

I went to see my GP yesterday, with my CPN. I am starting to be weaned off morphine starting next Thursday, when my new medication pack comes through. To replace the morphine, I'm going on gabapentin, increasing the dose until the pain is controlled, or at least bearable.

All I can say is, thank God!

Thanks to a friend

I was talking to a close friend, about my earlier blog entry today. She helped put em into perspective, that God's will was for me to get better, in whatever order He chooses. It's helpful having someone to look at it from another angle. Thank God for friends!

Aren't feelings strange things?

I'm not sure how I feel at the moment. Am I ecstatically happy that the psychosis is getting better, or lower, because I can't shake off the depression? I know I need to speak to my psychiatrist about that, but I can't get it clear in my mind. I think the psychosis was a million times worse than the depression, so I'm glad to be getting rid of it.

Also, there's someone I like very much, who I've known for several years, who I think has feelings for me, and I don't know quite how I feel for this person.

I'm not good at dealing with feelings and emotions, I can be a bit frozen sometimes.

Wish em luck

I'm going to my local university tomorrow, hopefully to sign up for a part-time English literature degree. This is because my brain's getting bored, but I want to do a course that doesn't end up putting me in hospital for months on end. So, wish me luck...

Thanks to brute force for some things!

My fridge arrived yesterday evening. Sadly, after waiting the time I was told to, I turned it on, but couldn't open the doors. After running around like a headless chicken, I asked my friend and transport man Mark to help. He came in, and basically wrenched the doors open. Yay! So, I'll be stocking up at Tesco's tomorrow morning, before I go to work at the old people's home, which I've been missing the last few weeks.

Good luck

Just blogging to wish Pope Benedict xvi best of luck for his beatification mass for Cardinal Newman tomorrow. I know hen doesn't read this blog, but I just want to let those of you who do pray, that I'm saying one for him.

A simple replacement

I replaced my broken fridge, it cost me a small fortune.. I'm not boasting about having a lot of money, I don' , I'm scraping together what I can, but it's upsetting how much household appliances cost. I live on benefits, and it ain't easy.

All things are finite....

I know nothing lasts forever, but it doesn't stop me being mightily annoyed when my fridge breaks down. Firstly, there is the loss of food in the fridge and freezer: losing money and what would probably have tasted nice at a later point. Secondly there's replacing it. I've just about got enough money, but I didn't want to have to spend it mow, on damaged kitchen items, I wanted to save it, for an even rainier day.

Poetry

I got a book through the post this morning, a present from a friend. It was a poetry book, by Serj Tankian. I haven't had time to scan all of it into my computer yet, but what I've seen is great. I never liked poetry, until I studied it at A-Level, and now I write my own, as well as loving other people's work. Basically, what I'm saying is, try to appreciate other people's work, even if you're put off at the start. This woks for most things in life, not just poetry.

Life...

I hear things every day that upset me, that make me happy, that change my life. Today I heard about a person's life that was much worse than mine, but she coped admirably. I wish God would give me the strength and perseverance, and faith to deal with my problems, and show me how to help others through my own experiences. Right now I'm weak, and pray for strength, to have a "good character" and to help others in the way they help me.

You live, you learn

I thought I'd met someone genuinely trustworthy recently. He told me he loved me, and then turned on me the moment I told him he wasn't the total centre of my world, I'd got other problems to sort out. He turned on me, saying I was horrible, and a liar.

I guess that just proves it, people aren't usually what they seem, and you have to be so careful. At least I found out now, rather than later on in a flawed relationship.

When is depression clinical or otherwise?

I've been pushing for the last few weeks to have my anti-depressant changed (I'm sure I've gone on about it before here!). I think my opinion is beginning to change a bit, after having conversations with a psychiatrist and a couple of social workers.
They have suggested, that, although I do suffer from clinical depression, I'm also very unhappy. I'm socially isolated, through nobody's fault. My few friends are scattered all over the country, and it is very difficult for me to meet people of my own age, who share my interests. Also, the psychiatrist said that I know my life would improve in the next 6 months, but until then I'm waiting, and going through hell.
All that makes a lot of sense, when you think about it. So, I'm starting to look at ways of sorting this out. As yet, my ideas are a bit thin on the ground, but I'm going to keep trying!

Freedom!

I've been officially discharged from hospital today, and only seeing the Home Treatment team in the morning. Hopefully things will start getting a bit better from now on.

Full of hope (I think)

I've got a ward review meeting today. This where the psychiatrist decides if I can be discharged formally, or go on another week's leave. I'm hoping to be discharged, so I can see my usual psychiatrist, who knows me well. Sadly, there's absolutely nothing I can do to influence him, except for being good, and not doing what the voices say. I'm working on them not being real, but that's a bigger battle to win.

Very tired

I've been given a drug called melatonin,, which is absolutely great. I've been getting 7-8 hours' a night sleep, rather than the usual 1 or less. Sadly, the clozapine makes me tired during the day, but hopefully it'll wear off after a while.. To be honest though, I don't actually care, as long as I'm getting a full night!

Blood pressure

I've been having my blood pressure taken every morning and evening. My BP is usually fairly low, but nothing to worry about. Sadly,, I can't say the same at the moment. I'm praying I don't have to go back into hospital, but I suppose a pessimist is never disappointed!

Hiya

Well, after being admitted as an emergency, life is just starting to get back to "normal". T he clozapine made my blood pressure and pulse go through the roof, without any warning. It's possible that it's been caused by a reaction between that and the morphine.

I'm hoping that this'll e the last time I go in for a while. I can't fault the nursing staff, but some of the patients weren't too great.

Result!?

Well, I'm doing okay. The psychosis is getting better steadily, hopefully in a few weeks I'll be sure that the voices aren't real, I know they're lying now anyway. This is great, but the depression's not too great. I'm feeling very low, and the Inpatient psychiatrist (who isn't my usual one) is an idiot, and has told me not to be "silly" on more than one occasion. I'm sorry, is it "silly" to be worried about your own body and mind? Well, I'll be seeing my regular psychiatrist soon, and hopefully he'll be a bit more helpful, or at least less dismissive.

"The light at the end of the tunnel...

"...is the light of an oncoming train!"

Up until a few days ago, I'd have agreed with that. I've been in hospital for over 5 weeks, and didn't see much improvement. But, after being put back on Clzaril, I'm beginning to feel a bit better. I'm hoping that, in a few weeks, I'll be free of the major parts of my Psychosis, and that the depression I'm feeling will lift. All I can do is hope.

Melatonin

Well, I saw another pair of crisis team people today, a social worker and a doctor. They agree with my usual psychiatrist that I should start back on Clozapine, which, if it didn't go toxic on me again, would be great. The doctor also suggested I go on Melatonin, to help me sleep. To be honest, I'd try almost anything to help me sleep, I'm desperate. I'm just worried about the Clozapine going toxic, as it made me so ill last time, but I have to believe the doctors know what they're doing. I still don't know which hospital I'll be going to, but it's definite that I will be going in, for a "short" admission (I don't know how long "short" will be, but last time I was put on it, it was about 3 weeks) I suppose I'll just have to take things as they come. At least I'll have time to make those blanket squares I promised my friend, all clouds have a silver lining!

Readmission

I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday, and he referred me to the crisis team. I saw them today, and they were slightly more tolerant and less stupid than usual. I'm being admitted to hospital within the next few days, and I don't know how long I'm going to be in there. Hopefully not too long. I don't know what they're going to do about my medication, but possibly I'll be going back on Clozapine. I'm not sure how I feel about that, as it was very serious when it went toxic last year, but it did help a lot with my schizophrenia, so maybe it'd be a good thing. Only time will tell.

Thank you

I want to say thanks to my friends, for all their prayers, love and support, they've really stuck by me, when no-one else has.

I'm annoyed!

My psychiatrist was supposed to phone me yesterday, to talk about how things were going. He didn't, and I phoned the hospital to speak to him today. He wasn't there, but my social worker was then supposed to phone me. Again, he didn't. I feel like I'm just being left to go quietly mad, and nobody in the hospital system actually cares.

Why does everything have to bring back old pain? Why can't I just forget?

I feel like all the fight's gone out of me. I'm just so tired, both mentally and physically. I don't want to go on like this, but I've got no choice. I just want it to stop, but it won't. What did I do to deserve this?

Yet more meds

Well, I got a scrip today for Chlorpromazine. Hopefully it'll stabilise me for long enough to see my psychiatrist, who's away this week. His SHO was very helpful, and I'm hoping this'll work, but to be honest, I think I'm going to end up in hospital sooner rather than later. I hope I'm wrong, but I know how I'm feeling, and I know how things are when it gets that bad. Well, I'm sorting out things to do if I do go in, I've promised to try and make blankets for a charity that sends help to Romania, which I think is a good cause.

When things go wrong (again)

Things are going wrong again. The psychosis has suddenly got worse: the voices are louder, the TV's talking about me, and I'm seeing lots of strange things. My psychiatrist has doubled my risperidone, but to no effect. I'm getting so sick of this, I just want it to stop, and it won't. I don't think it ever will. I don't know what to do. I've passed on a message to my psychiatrist, telling him that things haven't improved, so maybe he'll come up with something. I just hope its not haloperidol.

At least something's going right!

The furniture I bought with the Community Care Grant I was given has finally all arrived. It also works, in the case of the cooker and washing machine, and my brother likes the sofa-bed, which he'll sleep on until he moves out. It's a relief, because things have been so chaotic, which doesn't help with my depression.

Anyway, things are at least looking up in that respect, and I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Monday. I also got an appointment at the pain clinic, for the 24th May, which will hopefully help.

I'm feeling really low at the moment. I've got no reason, but then,I don't need one, as my depression can flare up at any point with absolutely no apparent cause. I'm fed up already, and I've only been feeling this way since Thursday. I'm hoping it'll pass, and I won't need a change of medication, but, knowing my luck, I will. I know I've got much less to complain about than many people, and I should just shut up, but it's hard when you can't even see a point to anything.

A second apology (and this time I mean it)

In my early blog entries, I lashed out. Lashed out at God, the only one who would take this, and still forgive. I did this because I was so ill, and so tired of life, and I felt I needed someone to blame. I'm a Catholic, although I never told you this before, because I blamed my religion and God Himself, for my problems.

I want to say sorry for 2 things: firstly, I'm sorry if I offended anyone, I genuinely didn't mean to. And secondly, and more importantly, for being so bloody ungrateful! I've got so much: a life, my freedom, relatively good health, and enough money to live on, even though some would class me as poor. I've got all I need materially, and, with God's love, I've got enough to survive this life, with all its' problems. The services I've been to in Holy Week have moved me greatly, I've always known that God loves me, but I couldn't accept it, because I thought I was hard-done-by. If I look into my heart, and use my head, I know that's not really true, I've been given strength to cope with what I've got to deal with, and that's the greatest gift of all.

Thanks for putting up with me, and, if you think that I'm an idiot for what I've just said, you're entitled to your views, but I'm sticking by it!

I feel almost "normal"

I can hardly believe it, I feel like I'm supposed to! My anti-psychotics are working, so is the morphine. I'm off the gabapentin, so I'm only on 4 meds now. It's great. I don't know how long it will last, and, to be honest, I don't care. If I can feel like this for just a few weeks, that's enough for me. I don't ask much out of life, but to feel good for a while is what I really want.

Morphine

I'm currently on morphine. It's working, the pain's been dulled to a level I can cope with, but I feel really weird. I'm also very tired. I'm a bit worried about what my psychiatrist is going to say though. I see him tomorrow morning, so we'll see. If he can come up with an alternative that works, and doesn't make me feel so crap, I'll take it, but I don't want to stop the morphine unless I know the alternative will be as effective. I'm sick of being in severe pain, with no prospect of it ever getting any better. My big worry is addiction. I will get addicted to morphine if I stay on it longterm, but what can I do? Is it worth it?

Positives and negatives

Life's made up of positives and negatives. I've got a bit of both at the moment.

Positives:
I'm still feeling better. The new meds are definitely working.
I've got a new toy. A talking mobile phone. Brilliant! I can now text people, and don't need to remember all of my friends' phone numbers.


Negative
My pain relief is still not working. I'm now on 2.4g of Gabapentin, and 150 mg of Diclofenac, and I'm still in a lot of pain. Ah well...

Thank God...

I'm feeling better! I can't believe it. The meds are actually working, and it's only taken about a week. I felt better yesterday, but didn't like to say anything, in case it was a fluke, but this doesn't seem to be. All I can say is: long may it continue.

Unfortunately, the Risperidone seems to have stopped the Gabapentin working, so I'm in a lot of pain. I'm going to the GP today to talk painkillers. I'll let you know how it goes.

New meds (again)

I went to see my psychiatrist on Wednesday. I was supposed to go into hospital, but they're not accepting female patients in my local hospital, and there's nowhere else I could go. So, I saw the doc. He's increased my Aripiprizole, which is usually only up to 30 mg, but in extreme cases can be more than that, so I'm now on 45 mg. He's also changed my Quetiapine to Risperidone, and taken me off the Haldol and Chlorpromazine. I'm hopeful, but it's hard to be, when you've been on so many different drugs. You hope every time, and then your hopes are dashed. I'm trying to be positive, but it's difficult.
I'm a little worried, as since I've started the new meds, I ache all over, and have a horrible headache. I'm hoping I'm just coming down with a bad cold or the flu.

Hospital (again)

I'm going into hospital some time next week. I'll probably be in for at least 2 weeks, but most likely longer. I'm not happy about it, but it's the best thing for me I know. I'm going to come off my meds, and start again (again! They did this last year, let's hope it's more successful this time). I'll be in touch when I can...

I hate pain!

I fell over my cat on Friday, and badly sprained my wrist. It hurts, lots, and I'm sick of it already. I can't do stuff like crochet or cook, I can't swim, it's SO annoying!

The lesser of two evils?

Yesterday I was in pain, now I can't feel anything, I'm like a zombie. No pain, no happiness, nothing. Yesterday I wanted to die, now I almost feel as if I have. I'm sorry if I'm sounding melodramatic, I don't intend to, but it's such a weird way to feel.

I feel like someone's ripped my insides out. So many bad memories. I can't tell you what they're about, I don't know who's reading this, but trust me, they're haunting me like malevolent spirits. I just hurt so much. I want to die.

Yet another drug

I'm back on chlorpromazine. It should treat the acute psychotic symptoms, but I don't like it, because it makes your mouth really dry, and you have to use really strong suncream. Ah well...I'll just have to live with it.

Still feeling crap

The new meds don't seem to be working. I'm still feeling just as bad as I did on Wednesday. God knows where we go from here.

Okay...

I went to see my psychiatrist today. I told him everything. He says I'm unstable, but not in danger of suicide or violence to to others, so I don't need to be in hospital yet, but if things deteriorate, I might have to go in.
He's increased my quetiapine to the maximum dose, 800 mg. He's also given me haloperidol PRN, which should help me get through the worst.
I'm so sick of being ill!

I'm scared...

Firstly, I'll correct a spelling mistake, it's not cutiapin, it's Quetiapine.

Secondly, I'm bloody terrified. I've been ill for about 2 weeks, but have been on diazepam in the day and temazepam at night, so I can ride out the hallucinations, and sleep more without the horrific nightmares. Well, the temazepamm has stopped working, so I'm hardly sleeping, and having these truly horrible nightmares that stay with me all day. And, now I've finished the diazepam, so I'll feel the full force of the hallucinations now. I feel like that I'm going to destabilize soon, and my social worker thinks I should be in hospital. If Dr Laki thinks so too, I'll do it, but I'm just SO scared. I don't like hospital, but I don't think I'm safe at home. I want to die, and I don't know if I can trust myself not to try something stupid. I've already scratched my arms to bits, and I don't know how much longer I can hold off more serious self-harm.